Lessons in Unexpected Places
Life has a crazy way of saying, "F**k you, I love you." That's a quote I came up with on my own three or four years ago, and I can assure you, my closest friends and my family are tired of hearing it.
The older I get, and, damn, do I feel old, the more I realize about the world. This is gonna sound super corny and super self-explanatory, but right when you think you're at your lowest, the world will remind you that it could be lower. My mind has been racing as of late. Life has been a rollercoaster for me in the last six months. I was laid off, got a new job, then I quit the new job because it was driving me mental, for lack of a better way of putting. I experienced heartache and eventually found another job. What a whirlwind to experience in half a year, but still, it's less of a whirlwind than others have experienced in the same time frame.
After feeling sorry for myself for about a month or so, I realized that life is long. It's longer than I'd like to admit because its full length does scare me for a number of reasons. I've really felt sorry for myself, saying, "Woe is me. What could I have done differently?" And that's a vicious cycle that I've historically let bind me into a submissive chokehold that I've always lost against. The truth of the matter is, all we can control is our actions and our reactions. It's difficult to take accountability when accountability is needed. What's even more difficult is realizing when you actually don't need to take any accountability at all. When you realize, "Oh, no matter what I would've done at that second, on that day, during that week, of that month, in that year, I'd still have ended up right where I am."
That's something no one hears enough. Something no one tells their friends enough. Life is filled with immovable objects being hit by unstoppable forces, and we always want to blame the way things work out on ourselves. Unless you're the type of person who can't take accountability for their own actions. On average, however, people are willing to admit their faults and where their mistakes occurred. Life is crazy. What's even crazier is letting go of things you cannot change. People don't do it enough. Again, it's super self-explanatory, something we all are aware of but never admit or face.
Life will throw obstacles at you left, right, and center.
Bear with me here because what I’m about to examine might turn you off, but I promise there’s a lesson to be learned.
There is a game named Red Dead Redemption 2, as I'm writing this, RDR2 is nearly half a decade old. I've played it several times now, and every time I complete the story, I find I’ve taken something new from it. I'd be remiss not to admit that it is a massive form of therapy for me to play this game. After the first playthrough, I recognized video games, as a medium, are a true work of art, and that this one was in fact a masterpiece. Compelling stories, beautiful imagery, and lovely music. I've seen it, I've beaten it, I can quote it, but what I can't do is accurately convey the way it makes me feel.
This story is about Arthur Morgan, an outlaw who is struggling with his mortality and his life decisions after finding out death is knocking on his door. A man whose years are catching up with him. A man who is constantly trying to recorrect his karma.
If you play the story with a level of goodness and kind-heartedness, you'll be fortunate enough to encounter a character named Mother Superior Calderón. Throughout your friendship with the sister, she will guide you with a level of religious wisdom you may or may not have respected prior.
Towards the end of the game, just when you thought you’d seen the last of her, Sister Calderón will appear at a train station you are visiting.
You, playing as Arthur, sit down with her and decide to reveal your illness and your true self. A man in his mid-30s diagnosed with tuberculosis, with a convoluted and evil past, struggling to come to terms with the evil he has committed. Now, as a player, growing to love this character, we truly feel sorry for him because we know, deep down, he is a good man. While we know this, as an audience, we can see his facial expressions and know that he thinks of himself as the devil.
After coughing up a storm and disclosing the fact that he is dying, Arthur tells her, "I got TB... I got it for beating a man to death for a few bucks. I've lived a bad life, sister." I am paraphrasing here, but she replies, "We've all lived bad lives, Mr. Morgan... Life is full of pain, but there is also love and beauty... Be grateful that for the first time, you see your life clearly... There is nothing to be afraid of. Take a gamble that love exists, and do a loving act."
When all seems lost, nothing truly is. You will always mess up. You will always make mistakes. You will always lose yourself. You will always wish for another result. The only way we'll ever feel better is if we come to terms with our past, embrace the love we had, the love we rejected, the love we can still give, the love we can still show, and seek to better ourselves every day until our last. Love exists. Gamble on it if you have to.
